Sending a sympathy or shiva gift is certainly one of life’s most difficult tasks. What makes it difficult is our own unease with death combined with a feeling of helplessness—“how can I truly help?” This is particularly so when the death is a tragedy. But as we all know death and even tragedy is part of life.
Here at Challah & Co (formerly ChallahConnection) we have been helping gift givers send shiva and sympathy gifts for over 10 years. This experience combined with our own mourning for loved ones we have personally lost makes us particularly well versed in this sorrowful area.
Following are some of the most commonly asked questions by both Jews and non Jews alike, who are attempting to console those in mourning with a special gift.
What is shiva?
Shiva is the 7 day Jewish mourning period. During shiva, friends and family visit those who are mourning as an act of support and friendship. Visitors, along with the mourners sit, nosh (eat) and through conversation, celebrate the life that has ended.
Sitting Shiva is the tradition of mourning in the Jewish religion. Gathering together as a community is at the core of sitting Shiva, just as it is at the core of many Jewish traditions. The strength and support of friends, family and neighbors when sitting Shiva plays a key role in helping the bereaved through the process of grieving.
Shiva is the mourning period, traditionally observed by the parent, spouse, sibling or child of the deceased. During Shiva ("sitting Shiva"), which is traditionally a seven day period that begins immediately after the funeral, the family stays home to focus on their grief, remember their loved one and receive visitors. Although traditionally a seven day period, many families sit Shiva for a shorter period; perhaps 1, 2 or 3 days. The Shiva period is often announced at the funeral.
When is shiva?
A shiva schedule is typically announced at the funeral or obituary. Although shiva is 7 days, many mourners shorten the period. Shiva is never on Shabbat, which begins at sundown on Friday and ends at sundown on Saturday. The first Shiva typically begins after the funeral, which is often followed by the burial. Funerals often start between 11am – 2pm and are around an hour. The burial is on average, another 2-3 hours depending on the distance of the cemetery from the funeral (often in Synagogue or Funeral Home). First shiva can begin anywhere from 4:30pm to 7pm and doesn’t usually last past 9 or so.
I am going to the shiva, to make a shiva call, what should I expect?
Shiva is a sad occasion but you should not feel nervous or uncomfortable. Just being there is enough; you need not worry about saying the “right” thing. If not sure what to say or how to act, it’s best to say little. However, you can never go wrong by being supportive and helpful: “Anyone need a drink?” “Can I help clean up?” “How are you feeling?”
What should I bring to shiva?
Bring food that can easily be served and shared. Avoid food that requires work on the part of the mourners. Kosher cookies, cakes, candies, nuts are all welcome at shiva as long as they are crowd pleasers and easy to serve.
Jewish custom discourages sending flowers or gifts other than food when people are sitting Shiva. In fact, Shiva begins with seudat havra'ah, "the meal of consolation," prepared by family and neighbors. For those who are unable to make a personal visit, sending a food gift basket with a thoughtful card is an appropriate and helpful gesture. Often, when giving a sympathy gift or sympathy basket, people feel the need to send it immediately. However, it's important to remember that people are visiting throughout and even after the Shiva period. The need for food to share continues for some time, so spacing out gifts is perfectly acceptable.
Be sure to find out if the family sitting Shiva keeps kosher so you can send an appropriate food gift basket. And when you are thinking of what to write, a simple message when people are sitting Shiva is best. Consider a message such as "With our heartfelt sympathy," or "We are so sorry for your loss. You are in our thoughts," or the most traditional, "May G-d comfort you among all mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."
I am far away and can’t go to shiva, what should I do?
Send a card or food-a shiva gift basket. Never send flowers! Shiva gifts should be foods that are well liked by many (don’t forget young kids, if they are part of the mourning family) and easy to serve.
When should the gift arrive?
Ideally, the earliest your gift should arrive is the first day of shiva, which is usually the day of the funeral and burial. Shiva gifts are welcome anytime during the shiva period and even beyond (see next question).
What if I have missed the official shiva period, should I still send a gift?
Although the official shiva period is over, the family will still be receiving visitors and food will be needed to feed them. Sending a gift at this time is completely acceptable and shows your care.
What is your best selling shiva gift basket?
In order of popularity, our top 3 most popular shiva gifts are our Comfort & Care Crate, our Sympathy Basket of Abundance and Sympathy Bakery Collection. You can find more shiva options by clicking here.
How do I choose a gift?
All of our shiva gifts are time tested and we know that shiva families truly appreciate them. Your choice should be based on your allowable budget (don’t forget shipping), any personal preferences you may have and/or any dietary restrictions of the shiva family that you are aware of. We are always happy to help you make your selection.
Does my shiva gift need to be kosher?
Sending a kosher gift is a recommended. Even if the mourners are not kosher observant, it is quite possible that some of the attendees are. Shiva is not a time for inconvenience or difficult moments. At Challah Connection, all of our shiva gifts are certified kosher. Most of our foods are certified with high level certifications including OU, OK, STAR K.
Do you carry Glatt Kosher shiva gifts?
Most of our foods are certified with high level certifications including OU, OK, STAR K, which are suitable for those who require the highest level (Glatt) kashrut. If you require such a basket, please let us know and we will be sure that only foods of the highest certification are included.
What should the gift message say?
For most of us, this is perhaps the hardest part of sending a sympathy or shiva gift. Often, we try to convey too much into the message. Keeping your message simple is key. Following are some of our most frequently used gift messages. Feel free to use as is or with your own personal touch. Don’t forget to sign your name!-With heartfelt sympathy-Our thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time-We are so sorry for your loss and send our warmest condolences to you and your family-May [name of deceased] be a blessing to all who knew him/her-May G-d comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem
More tips on how to write a shiva card/ shiva gift message:
If you find the task of writing a Shiva card to accompany your Shiva gift, intimidating, you are not alone. Many struggle to find the words to express the sadness and sympathy they feel for the card’s recipient, or perhaps are afraid of saying the wrong thing. After all, death is so monumental that it seems impossible to fit a message about it in a few lines of text. However, when you find yourself faced with this challenge, the first thing to remember is that so long as your message comes from your heart, your recipient will appreciate what you have to say no matter the actual words. The truth is that he or she is likely overwhelmed with grief and they will feel most comforted by the fact that you reached out to them by sending the gift to which this card is attached.
Once you have overcome the pressure of writing the card, it is important to make sure that your message is in your own voice. Don’t use language that is more formal than you would usually use when speaking with the recipient – the card needs to be personal, not forced. The message should also be reflective of your relationship with the deceased. If you knew this person through business, your message should be less personal than if it were a family member or close friend. If you don’t know where to start, here are some popular ideas here at Challah Connection, which we suggest to our customers when they are placing orders for shiva and sympathy gifts:
-Wishing Your Family Love, Support and Our Deepest Sympathy During This Difficult Time
-Our Warmest Thoughts and Prayers Are With You During This Time Of Sorrow
-With Our Heartfelt Sympathy
-With Deepest Sympathy
-We Are So Sorry For Your Loss. You Are In Our Thoughts
-Our Deepest Sympathy At This Difficult Time
And for the more traditional or religious:
-May G-D Comfort You Among The Mourners Of Zion And Jerusalem
One of the most popular condolence messages we've come across is:
“May [deceased]’s memory be a blessing to all who knew him/her.”
It is special because it allows you to specifically refer to the deceased, therefore providing an opportunity for the recipient to think of that person. If you don’t know his or her name, it is acceptable to use “your mother” or “your brother.” It is in keeping with Jewish tradition of never forgetting those who have died. In Judaism, it is important that we always remember those who have passed away. That’s why this particular message is so appropriate – it triggers warm thoughts of the deceased.
Besides using the ideas above, you may wish to add a line or two about the deceased. “She always had the warmest smile ready for me.” Or “Her beautiful gardens will always remind me of her.” Remember, if you have been out of touch with the family for some time or if you knew the deceased and not the family, be sure to include some information in the card to let the receiver know who you are.
As a reminder, don’t forget to sign your card. Very often, cards are not signed, which actually causes stress on the recipients since they will most likely want to send you a thank you note. If there is no name, they will have to take the time to find out this information.
No matter which words you decide to use, remember that your card’s recipient will undoubtedly appreciate them. It is the meaning of the message and the action of sending the card in the first place that mean the most. Keep the card personal and from your heart and you cannot go wrong.
Where should the shiva gift be sent?
Shiva very rarely takes place at a funeral home (actually we have never heard of this happening). Shiva usually takes place at the home of a family member. This is where the shiva gift should be sent.
How should I address the gift—to my friend? To the entire family?
While you may have a specific friend or colleague in mourning, it is a nice gesture to address the gift to the entire family. For example, instead of Ms. Suzie Miller, The Miller Family. If you are sending a gift to someone who is staying with friends or family, you can address it as follows: The Miller Family, c/o The XYZ Family.Any questions? Need help placing your order? Please call us at 845-305-6710 or email: [email protected].
What you can do and say
For many, consoling the bereaved that are sitting Shiva can be difficult and uncomfortable. But Jewish customs are quite clear in describing proper etiquette and that helps alleviate awkward feelings. Generally, be a good listener and be as helpful as possible when people are sitting Shiva. Soon after arriving, visitors should approach the mourners and sit quietly with them, possibly offering a hug or handshake, but letting the mourner begin the conversation. They may not feel like talking at all, and sitting in silence is perfectly acceptable. Or, the visitor can simply say, "I'm sorry," and that can be enough. Just being there says it all-words are not always necessary when visiting those sitting Shiva. It helps to remember that Shiva occurs during the most intense days of mourning. Those who have just lost a loved one will experience a range of powerful emotions, and that is an important part of the healing process. This is the perfect time to share stories, photos and cherished memories of the deceased. And if you don't know what to say, remain silent.
If there is a chance to be helpful, make an offer, or just complete the task, when appropriate. Run errands, pick-up at the airport, host someone coming in from out of town, cook or clean-up, or take care of children. Whatever can be done to remove daily chores from those sitting Shiva becomes an immense help. Shiva calls should be thought of as an act of kindness, not as a burden. The visit can be an hour or less to avoid tiring the family. Different families will observe Shiva in different manners. It is traditional for mourners to have a tear in their clothing to symbolize their loss, they may sit on low stools or even on the floor to show the depth of their sadness, and some show a traditional disregard for vanity and personal comfort by maintaining only the most minimal standards of personal care, dressing simply and covering mirrors. Usually a 24-hour candle burns in memory of the deceased. In some homes, mourners will recite Kaddish up to three times a day with a minyan, which is a group of 10 Jewish adults. At times it is difficult to gather a minyan, so visitors who can participate are especially appreciated.